It's not Nancy Kadaffy. It's Mo Kadaffy. Gimme that. What's 7 gram rocks?

NewsHammer Exclusive This you haven't heard yet from the Invincible Charlie Sheen: It's so hot even a dinosaur couldn't take it with 10 love goddesses kickin' his ass.

Sources close to FedEx Tripoli not authorized to speak to the media claim to have made weekly deliveries of Season 7 boxed sets of Two and a Half Men to the same video store in downtown Tripoli before there was a Season 7.

In Cairo, in Tunis, in bleds like Mers el Kebir it's the same old wanking story. Same guy in a keffiyeh always picks up the package. Charlie won't talk about it, but says:

It's the CIA and so what? You can't blame Two and a Half Men for crazy Arab parties in big ass presidential palaces for fsakes that just happen to bring down the entire Arab thing on CNN. They might giggle if they get it, but any lamebrain can hardly get corrupted by me, if that's what you think happens at my orgies. I work with professionals. I don't need amateurs who don't get it. Why bother a pro with foreplay when you don't need it? A guy's a guy and that's horseshit when you're ready to blow up the fort. For another thing the show is totally boring except for the love god played by me. Did you ever see a nipple on the show that wasn't mine? Mine are beauts fortunately. You won't even see a trickle on the bed. We're clean. Those are American values. We don't corrupt anybody. We just make money. If they're losing it over there and I'm not buying the crack story, it's because they got too much oil and not everybody's being lubed, that's the problem. Right Mo?

وقال إنه "إذا أراد الأميركيون أو الغرب غزو ليبيا يجب عليهم أن يعلموا أنها ستكون جهنم وحمام دم أكثر من العراق"

Cut and pasted from Twenty Minutes with Gaddafi, maybe or maybe not an actual Charlie Sheen rant. The site was hacked and now there's only Twenty Minutes with the President. This one's a copy with Arabic subtitles, so maybe it's genuine, because every other Charlie Sheen in Arabic has been taken down or punched out on Youtube, except this German one which is about as close as you can get to Arabic in the free world where Charlie appears to be a German clone.

Though you have to admit that Twenty Minutes with Gaddafi could be a conspiracy as in 9/11 revisited in Twenty Minutes with the President, or in Germany anyway Charlie Sheen has been replaced by a clone. If he's a clone then you can understand the lip syncing problem and if there isn't a German connection, there should be one as his German is pretty good. It gets complicated because there seems to be another clone and this one rants just like Charlie.

The Undetected American Charlie Clone

Note the poor lip syncing again (Alternate Video Link) but all the other Charlie stuff feels right. Whatever the truth, the rant is genuine and anyone can see Charlie's influence in the Muammar Gaddafi video rant below, maybe thanks to some 7 gram rocks from Charlie's beach house, though the set doesn't even have a beach or any sand and nobody from the show has ever appeared on the beach, not even the babes who you think could play beach volleyball once in a while, but maybe that's too booby Baywatch for Charlie when there's no humping on the beach anyway, not even on TV. Charlie can get that tame stuff on video without the hot sun and sand in his Mai Tai. Holding back for Season 14? We'll never know why Charlie didn't score on the beach, now the show's been cancelled.

Though wait. Jon Cryer will no doubt tell us about all we don't want to know about Charlie once he gets on Late Night as the default Charlie Sheen. He's already doing Reception on daytime Ellen. Though Charlie might be back like I scared you all with this BS like Joachim Phoenix, remember, that long running long hair gag about Joachim the Rapper you didn't get for ages? See me and Chaim set this up. We're pals though he's still a no-talent brainless idiot. He goes to my AA meetings for me. Isn't that love? Believe me now?

Gaddafi Rant

If that's not Gaddafi, who is it? (Alternate Video Link) The lip sync is also flawed, but 2 international celebrity clones in one day is a bit much. It's easy though for big budget bad ass governments to overdo a good thing, but maybe they're right. More than Two and a Half Men have crashed worldwide and if you do the math the final score is America Wins. Whether or not Charlie or his clone is winning or gets the credit, is debatable, but what Gaddafi says above is exactly what Charlie would say if he were Gaddafi. Nobody could miss that.

In the best of all possible conspiracy theories, Two and a Half Men laid the groundwork for Western corruption of top heavy Arab States (check the Arab ratings and 7 days a week of reruns in Dubai) and planted the seed for deep seated erotic capitalism first in the mind and then the body of nation upon nation, as expressed by the love god Charlie himself. Though any hormonally imbalanced adolescent if you asked could tell you, that Charlie didn't discover El Dorado by himself. Even the rest of us know there must be something more to life than Starbucks with your laptop or unfiltered muddy Turkish at rickety cafe tables throughout the Arab world. Sex and capitalism must triumph or why else a world in the first place? Then there are personal relationships and Charlie has had plenty, very hot, very close, plus he's Hollywood Shooting Star Matter and so has kryptonite influence. Even guys get the buddy magic. When Charlie's with Muammar, he's 100% the best 100% the personal BFF. He nails it and nobody gets upset except CBS.

Ask Muammar. Did Muammar even think of shooting him? No! Here in another candid buddy to buddy moment is what Charlie apparently also said in Twenty Minutes with Gaddafi:

If we misplaced democracy somewhere, who the fcares. Do they know what it is even over here? Some boys tangoing in stuffed paper shirts like mine's better than yours and wait for my soundbite on the news, so fwhat? Is that what the Arabs want, what we got? They can have it. I'll take what they got, the houris in Paradise except I want it now bro, why not now, what are we waiting for? The end of the world? It can't happen too soon, but we're still waiting. But I'm not waiting and I won't be pissing in your cup to prove it, not anymore. I did 4 in a row. A perfect score. What's that Mo?

هل هذا ما والأمريكيون؟

I don't know what Americans think. But I know what they'll do to you. Like I was telling Hosni, get respectable. Open a lap dancing bar say in Hamburg, double D girls is about right and go Brrrr Boing Wow BLBLBLBL all night. If you don't then sooner or later the paparazzi will get you like they got my love pussy Kacey Jordan. But they won't get me. I'll lie if I have to.

If You Haven't ODd Duh The Best Charlie Rant Recap

(Alternate Video Link)

--Alan Gillis